People always want to know how I came to be in possession of The Knowledge, but, for their own protection, I keep it to myself. Suffice it to say, I was in the right place at the right time… or maybe the wrong place at the wrong time. In any event, I was in a place at a time where I was in a position to receive The Knowledge from the former master of the exceedingly rare martial art: ChopFist.

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     ChopFist is an ancient and deadly art form, steeped in secrecy and mysticism. Master Dewei Gan Chen, Sensei of Senseis, Keeper of Secrets, Sovereign of the Dark Realm, in a moment of grave need, by the will of destiny, found me, his humble servant, and gave me The Knowledge.

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     ChopFist has been around since the days of the Shogun. Passed from soul to soul one master at a time, for there can be but one. For a hundred centuries, there has been no more than, nor no less than, one master, as it must be, and as it shall be for all time. That is, if I can find a worthy apprentice. 

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     I must pass The Knowledge to a successor before my time comes. And for reasons I will get into shortly, my time may be up sooner rather than later.

 

     My apprentice must be strong of body and spirit, for the enemies of ChopFist are numerous and deadly. Unfortunately, all my potential apprentices so far have proved to be unworthy. It will be instructive for me to tell you about them, but for their protection, I will change their names.  

 

     We will start with Jill. I met her in college. She was studying journalism and I was a visiting scholar from a prestigious university I shall not name. I was not yet ready for an apprentice, but of course I knew I would need one eventually. She seemed to have the raw material—physically fit, a nimble, curious mind—for me to mold into a worthy apprentice, and eventually a maser in possession of The Knowledge.

 

     I devised an ingenious series of tests to determine if a potential apprentice was worthy. The tests would measure strength, trust, loyalty, intelligence, and courage, all without the subject knowing they were being tested.

 

     Jill’s weakness was trust. The master-apprentice relationship requires an unbreakable bond of faith. She was incapable. Did not trust men, no matter how trustworthy. Daddy issues, I would say. This came to light in her fourth day of testing. Her first three days went well enough. She proved herself strong and courageous. But on the fourth day she showed herself for who she was—distrusting and a bit naïve—as if the state would have the ability to keep me more than 500 feet away from her at all times.

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      The state has no power over me. Once, I surveilled her apartment for seven hours for her own protection. I did not leave, as some have suggested, for self-preservation reasons. I left when the police arrived because I felt, with the overwhelming numbers they brought to bear, that they would be able to assure her safety, despite their typical incompetence. She must have sensed the same danger as I had, and called them in. Had she known I was there, I’m sure she would have felt secure enough to allow the police to do their usual job of eating donuts and ignoring the crimes right under their noses.

 

     So I moved on. Michelle was a lawyer in a large law firm at which we were both employed. As a team member in the mail department, my duties brought me into regular contact with Michelle. You might wonder why someone with my skills and knowledge would work in the mail room. After all, I have led multiple fortune five hundred companies to great success. Don’t bother Googling it, you won’t find my name. I was in an advisory position. The power behind the throne if you will. I’m not an attention seeker. But those in positions of great corporate power know the true story, and I could have any job I want with a single phone call. But a ChopFist master must walk the path of the Buddha—live simply, without desire or possessions.

 

     Michelle showed early promise. She had an impressive ability to influence others through manipulation of their emotional and rational mindsets. It made her quite effective in the courtroom. I enjoyed watching lesser minds crumble under her powers. Not quite a Jedi mind trick, but pretty close.

 

     Additionally, she was already studying a Martial Art: Jujutsu. Jujitsu is fine, as far as it goes, but even the highest level of black belt is no match for a ChopFist master. And I would have taken her to the master level, had she not turned out to be unsuitable.

 

     One of my tests for her was to make my presence in her life known in subtle ways. This would test her powers of observation and reasoning. She passed the observation portion, but sadly, her reasoning did not meet the high standards required to be my apprentice.

 

     The test involved me shadowing her for a week, while periodically providing her brief glimpses of me throughout the test period. As a ChopFist Master, I can make myself invisible for all practical purposes. Not literally, of course, but I can disappear into a crowd, behind objects, or simply melt into the shadows. She needed to use all her senses to their fullest potential in order to sense my presence, and I was happy to note her success.

 

     But a truly gifted observer would have perceived the context of my appearances in random locations throughout the test period, and deduced a more appropriate response. She would have picked up on the subtle clues I projected when she glimpsed me in the park across the street from her yoga studio, or behind a parked car outside a restaurant where she was having dinner with a man wholly unworthy of her companionship, to name a couple instances.

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     Unfortunately, she fell short. Rather than making contact with me in an appropriate way, she chose confrontation in a public setting. I admit it took courage, but it was very much the wrong move on her part. Laughably, she warned me of her skills in Jujitsu when she confronted me. Her skills are no match for mine, and I could easily have countered the move she made when she somehow misinterpreted the most innocent of gestures as aggression on my part, if you can believe that. She’s lucky I didn’t break her arm out of sheer instinct. Instead, I allowed her to have her moment, and she landed me on my back on the sidewalk outside the office.

 

     After she further embarrassed herself by threatening me in the vilest language possible, I stood up, and walked away like a gentleman. The crowd that had formed to witness the spectacle seemed to appreciate my restraint, as I heard some applause behind me while I walked away.

 

     She had already failed the test at that point, but to make the depth of her poor judgement crystal clear, she reported me to the Human Resources department at the Law Firm, making the ridiculous claim that I had been harassing her. Naturally, I quit on the spot, leaving Michelle behind, so I could continue my search for a truly worthy apprentice.

 

     There were more, but I won’t belabor the point. Like Jill and Michelle, they all had their strengths, but none met the exacting standards required to enter into the sacred trust as a ChopFist apprentice. And I fear my time is running short. The enemies of ChopFist are everywhere, and despite my youth and vigorous appearance, my health is failing.

 

      While my powers of observation and reason are strong, they are not infallible. It has become apparent to me that my enemies have exploited a blind spot in my defenses. In hindsight, I should have been more careful. I knew that they were ruthless. I knew they would cross all moral and ethical boundaries to get to me. What I didn’t expect was that my own mother would turn on me. I don’t know what they’re using as leverage on her to get to me. I may never know. The poisons she has been sneaking into my food has taken a toll. I have been weakened to the point of dependency, which is exactly what they wanted. I now have the choice of starving to death or being killed by the poisons snuck into my meals.

 

     Of course, I have tried to talk my mother out of this course of action. I told her that if she would just allow me to return to my full strength, I would protect her from whatever they’re threatening her with. She acted like she didn’t even know what was talking about. She said I was delusional. That’s the word she used—delusional. That’s how scared she is of them.

 

     I’m in quite the bind. I’m too weak to protect my mother or myself and all my apprentices have failed. That is why I have taken this desperate step of searching for a new apprentice in this most unlikely of venues, using Tinder to cast a wide net that was not available to any of my predecessors. With luck, I’ll find my apprentice. And difficult though it may be, I will muster my strength to perform the training so that the proud, ancient lineage of ChopFist does not die with me. It will likely be my last act on this mortal coil, but so be it. The Knowledge must live on.